Such a Pretty Picture: A Memoir

Andrea Leeb’s debut memoir, Such a Pretty Picture, is the brave, heart-breaking story of growing up with a predator—her own father—and a mother who must have known what was happening in their home yet failed to protect her young daughter. It is a compulsive read. The author brings a painful, haunting past to vivid life through skilled scene work and seamless movement between the points of view of herself at different ages.

The abuse began when she was four. Her mother walked into the bathroom as it was happening. Ater initially reacting with shock, she suffered hysterical blindness. When her sight was restored (after several weeks), the narrator’s mother had no memory of what she’d witnessed. Instead, she began what became a lifelong pattern—pushing her young daughter away, blaming her for every family conflict, and, for a period of time, cruelly belittling and hitting her. The child did what she hoped would make her parents love her; she blamed herself, kept her father’s secret (as he demanded) while he continued the abuse, and believed she needed to shield her fragile mother from the awful truth.

At five, miserable, alone, and without hope, Andrea wanted to die. Fortunately, at that age, her understanding of death was limited. She plugged all the holes where she imagined air could get in (nose, mouth, eyes and ears) with wads of cotton, held in place with tape.
“I don’t remember how long I lay there, but I do recall that my mother cried when she found me. She sat me down on my bed and gently peeled the tape off my mouth. It stung, but I was so happy to have her touch me. It was worth it.”

In later years Andrea began cutting herself. The comforting sting numbed the pain inside. No one, including boyfriends and partners, ever noticed. Teachers, therapists, and her mother were no help. She was on her own with this terrible secret. Its impact on the Andrea’s ability to form healthy relationships with men, and on her self-image, was profound and long-lasting.

“With time, I’d come to realize that my father had groomed me not only for himself but for the boys at the party, the boys in the woods, and all of the other boys and men that followed. As a child, I thought my father owned me. I had no agency over my body and no awareness of boundaries. My father had taught me to live in fear.”

Through therapy, Andrea was slowly able to forgive herself. Eventually, she found the courage to confront her parents. 

Andrea Leeb’s story shines a spotlight on the insidiousness of child sexual abuse and the inaction of those with the power to intervene who turn a blind eye instead—a devastating combination.

Many memoirs chronicle child sexual abuse and its resulting emotional and physical trauma. Each story is unique and adds to the growing body of literature as women (and some men) find the strength to write and publish their stories as part of healing, forgiving, and moving forward with their lives. In so doing, they help countless other victims feel seen, understood, and less alone. Such a Pretty Picture is a valuable addition to the canon.