Big Girl Pants
Early in my diary entries, after my first bone marrow biopsy, I thanked the doctors who approved administering conscious sedation to me during the procedure. I referred to the men and women who didn’t receive it, most ungenerously, as “screaming meemies,” because presumably they couldn’t tolerate the procedure awake. Now that the clinical trial has reopened, things are moving quickly, and there wasn’t time to schedule conscious sedation this time. But Ativan was approved. So after my blood draw, I went into the procedure suite and waited for the oral sedation to take effect. It didn’t, not at all. Too nervous, I guess.
So, without blinking an eye, I turned over onto my side and let the nurse/practitioner begin her work. It helped me to have a nurse I knew come in and hold my hands, which were getting sweatier by the minute.
“I’m going to give you a few shots of lidocaine, Marilea, so you’ll feel a little pin prick.”
No big deal.
“Now I’m going to go deeper into the tissue with more lidocaine.”
Ouch, that really hurt, a deep ache.
She was coaching me like I was giving birth.
“Deep breaths, Marilea. A deep one into your nose and then exhale out of your mouth.”
“Okay, I’m going to get some liquid aspirate now. Deep breaths.”
“Another deep breath, Marilea. Okay, halfway there. One more puncture.”
I felt a very deep ache in my hip. Moaned a little, kept up the breathing. This part took a while. She was carving a small piece of bone out of my hip and placing it in a wider, hollow needle.
Then it was over. Maybe twenty minutes.
I finished dressing and Gene steadied me as we were leaving. NOW the Ativan kicked in! I slept when I got home, disturbing my sleep cycle. Definitely not worth the trouble. Even if it had put me to sleep in time, the pain would have woken me up. I’ll never elect oral sedation again, and I may forgo conscious sedation as well the next time. It’s a nuisance with scheduling and getting me ready (starvation beforehand, for one). Since I have blood cancer, I know I’ll be getting regular bone marrow biopsies, so I may as well make friends with them.
This journey has taught me many things. And one of them, as I get deeper into the weeds of treatment and all the discomforts, is that I’m tougher than I thought I was. Remember, up until now there has been no need for me to undergo these tests and procedures. But I’m at a new normal now, and more grit will be required of me. For those of you who have been following me on this journey, you know that I’ve been challenged emotionally most of my life. It usually took the form of substance use disorder, but thankfully I’m in recovery from years of that behavior. And right now, when I most need it, my recovery is serving me exceedingly well.
Your journey is quite moving. Thank you for sharing.