• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Connect
  • Donate
  • Join
  • Login
Story Circle Network Logo

Story Circle

by, for, and about women

  • Home
  • Events
    • Spain Writing Trip
    • Members in the News
    • Opportunities
  • Classes
    • Online Classes
    • Webinars
    • Enroll
    • Propose a Class
    • Propose a Webinar
  • Book Reviews
    • Story Circle Book Reviews
    • For Authors & Publishers
    • Author Interviews
    • For Reviewers
    • Review Team
  • Publications
    • SCN Journal
    • Our Substack
      • True Words from Real Women
      • StoryCraft: Writers Write About Writing
      • Submit a post
    • Real Women Write anthology
      • 2024 Anthology
    • Member Library
    • Story Circle Books
    • Flash newsletter
  • Book Awards
    • Sarton & Gilda
    • Guidelines
    • Sarton Application
    • Gilda Application
    • Past SCN Book Award Winners
  • Contests
    • The Story Circle LifeWriting Competition
    • The Story CIrcle Poetry Competition
    • The Story Circle Online Writing Competition
  • Resources
    • Circles Program
    • Roundtables
    • Opportunities
    • Member Library
    • Media
  • About
    • About SCN
    • Member Benefits

Revising Passive Voice to Active Voice

December 3, 2020 by Story Circle Network Leave a Comment

“Her steps were tentative. Fiona wasn’t sure she could avoid the captain’s anger, if he showed up. However, the anticipation of viewing the sky with Jacob who always looked out for her was new emotional territory. She followed him.” (43 words) 

What’s wrong with that paragraph? Three of the four sentences are passive. Active voice is always preferred over passive, because we can see the action as we read and it is more dynamic. 

How do we identify passive voice to change it? A writer can identify passive voice in a sentence by looking for “to be” verbs, like “was,” “were,” “had been,” or “would get to be.” Below see the passive sentence, an improved one with an active verb. It reads more naturally and the reader can see what kind of action is in play. 

Then see a better version to add clarity or reads even more naturally from at least one writer’s viewpoint. 

  • PASSIVE: Her steps were tentative. 
  • ACTIVE: She trod forward. 
  • BETTER: She trod behind Jacob with caution. 
  • PASSIVE: Fiona wasn’t sure she could avoid the captain’s anger, if he showed up. 
  • ACTIVE: Fiona did not know whether she could avoid angering the captain, if he showed up. 
  • BETTER: Fiona did not know if she could avoid Captain Best’s anger, if he saw her again. 
  • PASSIVE: The anticipation of viewing the sky with a man who always looked out for her was new emotional territory.
  • ACTIVE: New emotional territory frightened Fiona as she anticipated viewing the sky with a man who always looked out for her. 
  • BETTER: She did not know how she should act when she stood alone next to Jacob viewing the sky. 

Improved paragraph: 

“She trod behind Jacob with caution. Fiona, however, did not know if she could avoid Captain Best’s anger, if he caught her again. In addition, she didn’t know how she should act when she stood alone next to Jacob viewing the sky. She decided to follow him to the bow anyway.” (55 words) 

SUMMARY: Though the word count increases, it now reads more clearly and naturally. We use passive voice in conversation, so it sounds natural. However, when read in sentence after sentence and page after page, it becomes monotonous.

Image from Reedsy's Active Vs Passive Voice

Rhonda Wiley Jones

With a M.Ed. in adult education, Rhonda Wiley-Jones is a professional training and staff development specialist. She leads conference and community workshops on creativity, journal writing, intentional travel, travel journal writing, craft of writing, and travel writing.

Rhonda is author of her coming-of-age travel memoir, At Home in the World: Travel Stories of Growing up and Growing Away, and just completed her first novel and is seeking an agent. Her publications can be found online and in print in various publications, including as travel columnist for two local lifestyle magazines in the Texas Hill Country, as well as published in SCN’s Inside and Out: Women’s Truths, Women’s Stories (2018 Anthology).

Pat Bean is a retired journalist who is passionate about nature, books, art and writing. A native Texan, and longtime Utah resident, she spent nine years traveling this country in an RV. She now lives in Tucson with her canine companion Pepper. Her book, Travels with Maggie, was published in September, 2017. Pat is a staff writer for the Story Circle Journal, is the co-mom of the Writer2Writer Roundtable, and manages SCN's tweets. Visit her blog.

Filed Under: StoryCraft: Writers Write About Writing

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

JudeWalsh

This blog is coordinated by author Jude Walsh.

Subscribe

Get new posts in your inbox!
Loading

Archives

2009-2019 Archives

This blog is written by Story Circle members.


Not a member? Go here to join.

Contributors

  • Ariela Zucker - View Blog
    • Using Photographs to Enhance Writing
  • Cynthia F Davidson - View Blog
    • Would I, Could I, Should I Write a Memoir?
  • Debra Thomas
    • The Better Story: Why I Prefer Fiction
  • Ellen Notbohm - View Blog
    • Writer, Get Out of Your Own Way
    • Why Not Me?
  • Fran Hawthorne - View Blog
    • I'm Listening
    • Can a Journalist Really Write Fiction?
  • Francesca Aniballi - View Blog
    • Journaling into Winter and the New Year
  • Gerry Wilson - View Blog
    • When Life Gets in the Way
    • Tough Story Love—How to Receive It
  • Linda Maria Steele
    • How Visual Images Can Shape Us as Writers
  • JSchecterZeeb
    • A Fishing Expedition
  • Jude Walsh
    • We've Moved!
    • Publishing Opportunities
  • Kali - View Blog
    • August 1 - Why I Love Story Circle Network
    • May 31 - Fiction vs. Memoir: Finally I Made The Choice
  • kathrynhaueisen - View Blog
    • Endings as Prologue to New Beginnings
  • B. Lynn Goodwin - View Blog
    • Trouble Getting Words on the Page?
    • Crawl Inside Your Character's Head
  • Linda Wisniewski - View Blog
    • The Space Between Stories
  • Len Leatherwood
    • The Beauty of Revision
    • Interview with Dinty W. Moore On Flash Nonfiction
  • madeline40 - View Blog
    • What It Takes to Write a Book
  • Marilea Rabasa - View Blog
    • My Life As Pentimento
    • Spelunking
  • Claire Butler
    • E-Circle-Six
    • Lovin’ Story Circle Network
  • simonandrea - View Blog
    • Here's the Story of Lovely Ladies
    • Severe Behavior Problems
  • Story Circle Network - View Blog
    • Someday, I'll Write
    • Wisdom from Brenda Ueland on Writing & Creativity
  • Sarah White - View Blog
    • Three Writing Prompts to Make You a "Writer in Residence" This Summer

Footer

Subscribe to our Substack

Her Stories: Writing Craft & Community

Story Circle Network Logo
  • Home
  • About
  • Classes
  • Publications
  • Book Reviews
  • Growing Together
  • Connect
  • Donate
  • Join
  • Login

Copyright 1997 - 2025  Story Circle Network, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy