Living out loud, all caps. Anyone meant to live out loud knows it befits the scenario. When we're feeling insecure, vulnerable, we're unsure that LOL is the way. In those moments we lol, lower-case to mute ourselves, ensure our living doesn’t scream at others. Then, lol is the best we can do.
My parents were over for the holiday weekend. They push my buttons like no one, since they created the buttons. They push them now without even trying. My parents’ purpose is reminding me they've learned every life lesson, while passing those lessons on at inopportune moments. This leaves me an anxiety-ridden mess while yearning they were close by.
However, I'm going through a high-conflict divorce, which makes moving impossible. No details matter, except that it will NEVER end. The conflict—outright, silently, passive-aggressively, in front of our child—will be ongoing. A dismal outlook, but it's quite the contrary. It's the outlook I need for my optimistic self to be free. The moment I relinquish hope things will change is the moment I grant permission let go of the guilt I feel for defending myself, for leaving.
It's the moment I live.
Outwardly, I'm going into this mediation with no hope at all. Inside, my Little-Engine-That-Could is huffing and puffing, I-Think-I-Can-ing…while holding out hope that something good could possibly happen. This is when I need my tribe and wine.
When I exit the conference room, office, building, into the city, the concrete parking garage, the SUV with the carseat in the back?
I will break.
For all the hopeless scenarios I ran, prepared that I will leave there knowing nothing more than when I entered. I will break for the part of me that wishes I had fallen in love with someone different, that wishes she could change him. The person who wants to “be married” for validation.
This grows smaller with time. The milestones and divorce process can rub healing wounds the wrong way. Draw enough fresh blood to uncover hope remains.
I don't want to be numb to this process. It's an awakening, adolescence, full of self-discovery. But it's been close to one year since it all began, 15 months since navigating divorce on my own. I'm exhausted.
I'm a planner; I like to know. Even if knowing ruins things. As a child, I removed the tape from Christmas presents with care so my parents never suspected. I'm awful at surprises. The reaction is equally as satisfying to me without the wait.
As this rebirth is happening, I'm slowly changing how I do things, learning these life lessons; gems that God places in my life, alongside a handwritten note saying, “PAY ATTENTION”. Mindful that it doesn’t affect my LOL.
Because God loves my LOL and me fully. He would never want us to mute ourselves, or the hard-wiring designed by Him.
He, that omnipotent spiritual powerhouse, made me an optimist.
So I will prepare for disappointment, warn friends that I will need uplifting when I feel small that evening, blind as to what my future holds, tired.
One thing is certain: I will LOL. Without shame, reservation, with the gift of His Grace.
My future, regardless of circumstance, holds Happiness.
That's worth capitalizing.
