Reviewed by Katherine Itacy
Posted on: May 27, 2025
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Kathryn (or Kate) writes a detailed, thoughtful, loving accounting of the lives (and particularly, the aging and ailing) of her parents, Jane and Don.
Kate’s parents are both artists and professors. As is suggested by the book’s title, The Pianist’s Only Daughter, Don is a pianist by profession and teaches students at Macalester College in Saint Paul, Minnesota (ultimately, becoming the chair of the music department there). The memoir takes us through Jane and Don’s complicated relationship, which results in divorce while Kate is still young, and yet has a surprising turn in their later years.
As all humans are, Kate’s parents are flawed: whether it’s her father’s infidelity or extreme moods or her mother’s choice to confide in Kate at a very young age about the adult problems in Jane’s marriage to Kate’s father. That being said, it’s clear that Kate loves her parents deeply, and she does much and sacrifices quite a lot to care for both her parents as they age.
Ultimately, Kate gets a Ph.D. in social work, focusing on mental health and aging. And yet, despite her advanced degree on the subject, Kate still struggles to deal with the sometimes seemingly arbitrary rules of senior care facilities. While she respects the staffing shortages and the obstacles she and the facilities encounter during COVID, Kate is honest about the heightened stress and anxiety involved with keeping her parents in an assisted living facility, independent living facility, nursing home, or hospice care facility.
She’s also candid about the impact that caregiver burden had on her life.
In “The XX Brain: The Groundbreaking Science Empowering Women to Maximize Cognitive Health and Prevent Alzheimer’s Disease,” Dr. Lisa Mosconi notes that of the 65 million-plus people who are serving as caregivers for their family members in America, women account for over sixty percent of those caregivers. For many of those caregivers, there can be a significant physiological-emotional strain that occurs, which has now been acknowledged as the “caregiver burden.” The stress of caring for your loved one while handling your own responsibilities and burdens can tax your health by compromising your immune system, exacerbating existing health conditions, and putting you at increased risk for things like heart disease, stroke, depression, and even Alzheimer’s disease.
Similarly to approximately 53 million other Americans in the US, Kate provided years of unpaid caretaking for her parents as they aged. The total value of 53 million Americans providing unpaid care was valued at over $450 billion a year, according to a 2024 study by the American Psychological Association. Your heart breaks for the family (Kate included) as they endure many a health struggle during Jane and Don’s later years. Their story is similar to so many others who suffer from declining health as they age, and to the heavy burdens their loved ones face in trying to make the best decisions for their aging family members.
I would definitely recommend reading The Pianist’s Only Daughter. It serves not only as a loving tribute to Jane and Don, but an important reminder that there are many aspects to the care of our aging and ailing members of society in America that need our urgent attention and remediation.
