A dreaded feeling came over me when I awakened at 3am this morning. What happened last night? My head scrambled and mouth so parched. A quick look at my phone would give me some indication of the mess I made.
Pouring that first glass of sparkling wine would be the excitement I craved all day. Walking into the kitchen with a quick glance around, I head directly to the fridge and find my escape to another home. Pale gold in color with sparkles bubbling up in my crystal Waterford glass. That first sip was more like a gulp to get the party started. Another and another would empty my glass, only to be refilled another six times.
What should I do with this powerful energy?
A phone call to talk meaningless things to one who can't wait for our phone call to end? What did I say in this conversation anyway? Don't remember, oh well.
No one else to call so now let's hop onto the social media platforms and make some posts. Let's get me some attention that I am missing from my life. I want to be noticed and liked and be admired by all. I look through my camera roll to find a photo of myself looking my best. That's the one, the lighting is perfect, and I look amazing! Not the best photo of my friend sitting next to me, but it will do. A caption is added and voila, posted. Now I wait to see the likes and comments come in.
The post may take a while to reach my audience so how about a random text? I can get a more immediate response and fill that need of attention. I scroll my contacts to see who I want to see me at this moment. A text is sent, and I wait.
How about some music? Sad music is always best. Let's go back in time to childhood and teenage years. Music from the 70's and 80's is always a go to for me. Songs played and played over again. I will lay there paralyzed with the music until even my phone cannot take it anymore and dies.
I fall asleep content until a sharp jolt a few hours later sinks my heart. What have I done? I grab my phone to delete any evidence of my other self. That self that had to leave this world for a while and dive into a place and persona that is not real. My heart is pounding while my head is spinning, I fear hearing my actions of the night before. What did I do? What did I say? Can the damage be reversed or just let go?
I go back to sleep and dread the day ahead. Of course, there will be a response text from that random person with wonder of the reason for reaching out. Oh no, I don't want to talk to them anymore. I will ignore.
It's a beautiful day with the sun shining and a cool breeze. It is the perfect day for a stroll or a picnic. For me it is the day to close the blinds and lay on the couch and hope I hear from no one. What a difference from my thoughts the night before when I wanted to hear from the world.
The dreaded 3am feeling will stay with me throughout the day. Perhaps by 3pm I will forget the dread and start all over again?
