Everything and Nothing Has Changed
Tuesday morning. My radio alarm has gone off. After the first song, the DJ says he is seeing video of a plane that has crashed into one of the world trade center towers. At first I don't believe it. I wonder if it's a joke, it has to be. He goes on to say how it's being called a terrorist attack. I do think, these aren't the type DJs who do that. Still I can't believe it. When he says he's seen video of a second plane, I'm even surer it's a joke, at the same time, I'm even less sure.
I roll out of bed and turn on the TV. Today show. I can tell it is real. The incredible pictures of a plane turning and flying into the tower, first one then the other. I just kept thinking, "seeing a plane that low in the city- it just isn't right", It looked staged, like a movie. that's been said so many times since but it is the only thing I could think of. they replay the film of the planes mowing through the buildings, within seconds the top floors are again enveloped in a huge black cloud.
I'm watching for the time with amazement more than any other emotion. Not yet shock or even sorrow. That comes with seeing the towers collapse. Watching them fall straight down, in an almost orderly way. With out realizing it, my hand covers my open mouth. I have always hated that gesture, yet I make it instinctively. Now tears start to come, not many, just a few, a few tears of recognition of what has happened.
I've got to go to work. I've recently been laid off but my former employer has been asking me back on a temporary basis, as needed. I can't stay home and watch. And what would it accomplish?
As I walk to the bus stop, one of my usual latte stops, actually a nice little bar, has the TV on. I stop to watch a few minutes. I can't help it. I know there is nothing new in these few minutes but I can't not watch. A passerby sees me and the sole employee who is there, sees how intently we stare at the screen, knows something is out of the ordinary and asks what's going on. The employee, a young girl tells him that terrorists have crashed into the World Trade Center towers, and that they've collapsed. His expression mirrors the same feelings of disbelief, almost as if he hasn't quite heard her right.
I have to go, I can't spend anymore time, I can't afford to miss the bus. For the first time I try to think of how many have died. Fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, friends. Then I go outward just a bit- aunts, uncles, grandparents, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, All people with loved ones, lives, plans, mind, hearts. part of a network of people. How many lives a single person is connected to, multiplied by thousands. so much gone.
It is now that I begin to go to another level of the feeling of unreality. Because despite all this, I'm Three thousand miles away. there is a continent between me and what has happened. A reminder how overwhelmingly large this country is. All around me are others, who have learned what is going on. Yet almost everyone is going to work. I start to think how annoyed I am that I now have to share a seat. I hate how rough the bus ride is. I can't get over the enormity of what has happened, even though nothing in my immediate life has changed. Nothing and everything is different.
For a moment, I'm enraged that they have killed so many people who were working. I thought how obscene it is that these people were killed while supporting their families. When did the phrase, "I'm at work" lose it's power, it's meaning?
When the bus pulls into the drive area of the Veterans Administration Hospital on Beacon Hill, I see Seattle Police Dept. patrol cars. A few yards before the actual bus stop, the driver is signaled by a cop, stops, opens the door. The officer walks up the steps, leans in, looks around. He asks the driver his plans. Satisfied with the reply, he tells the driver to pull all the way up and not to take his break there. The driver acknowledges this and goes on. A black man behind me has a wry smile and says "now it's gonna get crazy"
I arrive at work, the radio is on. Nonstop coverage. I hear that here, in Seattle, some of the larger office buildings are closed, I hear the Bank of America tower mentioned, the tallest building west of the Mississippi, has evacuated and closed. I worked there years ago. The Space Needle has close, so too has Experience Music Project, Westlake Center, another office building and mall complex. A few minutes later the state capital is announced closed.
Again, things at work are amazingly normal. I keep thinking, how can things be so normal while this is going on? On my way home, I see that everything is working. Banks are unaffected, the debit cards are working.
As soon as I walk in, I turn on the TV. Still the same of course. More terrible details, things are reported, but often with a caveat. After a few hours I go to be. I don't sleep well. It's hot, muggy in my apartment, I've had a lot of caffeine. And my thoughts just won't rest.
Last updated: 09/14/01